Blame vs Responsibility - A Love Story (Sort Of)

Blame feels kind of good… at first.

It hands us a neat little storyline: This happened to me, and it’s their fault. That boss. That system. That colleague. That partner. Blame hands us a story with sharp edges and clean lines no ambiguity, no mess and no responsibility. It feels powerful, satisfying even, like slamming a door with theatrical flair. And sometimes, it’s necessary. It’s important to name the hurt, call out the wrong and not gaslight ourselves into silence. Blame has its moment.

But the longer we cling to blame, the more it costs us. Because blame - while initially cathartic - doesn’t get us anywhere. It traps us in a holding pattern, reliving the same story, rehashing the same frustration, waiting for someone else to do something differently. And there we remain: tired, stuck, and waiting.

Responsibility, on the other hand? Far less seductive. It shows up in less glamorous clothes. No flounce, no finger-pointing. It just asks quietly: What are you going to do now?

Now, let’s be absolutely clear - responsibility is not about self-blame or shouldering things that were never ours. That’s not responsibility; that’s self-punishment dressed up in a power suit. The kind of responsibility I’m talking about is far more generous and far more liberating.

It’s the quiet voice that says: Yes, that happened. And now what?

Responsibility isn’t glamorous. It doesn’t come with a theme tune or an award. But it does come with freedom. It says: Even if I didn’t choose the beginning of this story, I get to decide how it unfolds next. You get the pen back.

And it’s often in those tiny moments - the ones no one sees - that the most potent shifts begin. The moment we stop saying, “They made me feel this way,” and start asking, “What do I need?” 

In coaching, I use something called the CIA model: Control, Influence, Accept. What’s within your control? What can you influence? And what, if anything, might need to be accepted (at least for now) so you can free up your energy for something that matters more?

A brilliant client - let’s call her Jo - was stuck in resentment about being overlooked for promotion. And fair enough - it had happened more than once. Blame had become a full-time job. But once we got past the noise, she uncovered a deeper desire: to feel seen, to feel her work mattered, to do something meaningful. The result? She had the conversation she’d been avoiding. She didn’t get the promotion - but she got clarity. And from there, she left. Took a better job somewhere she was valued. She stopped rehearsing the old narrative and wrote a new one.

That’s what responsibility makes possible.

It’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s a bit gritty. But it’s also powerful. There’s something deeply creative about responsibility. It’s design, not defence.

So next time you catch yourself going full soap-opera in your head - we’ve all done it - take a breath. Smile at the drama. Then gently ask yourself, What could I do now that would be in service of the future I actually want?

That’s where the magic lives.