[00:00:03.18] - Ursula
Well, hello and welcome to the Big Life pivot and I am fantastically proud and excited today to have Adelynne Chao with me as one of my founding guests on this show. Thank you so much for coming. Adelynne's going to talk to us about her personal reflections on life pivots, big and small and I'm really excited for this conversation. So, I hate to put words into other people's mouths, and I always like to, invite people to tell me and everyone else who they are and where they're at right now. So just. Yeah. Tell us about you right now.
[00:00:49.00] - Adelynne
Okay. Big question to start. I first of all want to say thank you for inviting me to be the first person. I'm very honoured to help you start this off. I think it's a great concept. So, I look forward to listening to the future series as well as participating myself. So, who am I right now? I'm someone that has recently moved country after a very long time. So after pretty much growing up in - starting my, you know, schooling career, everything in London to having this dream to move to the West Coast, to California and to San Francisco in particular. And, recently have made that move -and it took me a very long time to get there. So, I was very conscious of all of the kind of blockers both externally and internally, that went into getting that to eventually happen.
I'm also someone that has… I work for myself. I started my own company, consultancy and I switched between having more of a kind of, established business that I'm running multiple kinds of projects with different people to more independent consultancy stuff that I just work one on one with clients in the field of customer insights. So I'm very used to this kind of interviews, but I'm usually on the other side… as the interviewer. So, it's a change for me.
[00:02:20.05] - Ursula
Okay. Well, you're doing great so far, and I should listen to more of what you're doing and learn from that, too. What I'm really curious about then is, you know, what life was like for you before things changed.
[00:02:37.00] - Adelynne
Yeah. So it's an interesting one because it's hard to pinpoint exactly when ‘before’ began. I feel like life is actually like a series of transformations. Some of them are things that are sort of inflicted. I mean, maybe less, less cruelly, sometimes very cruelly, inflicted upon us. So sometimes transformations are forced and sometimes there's something we create in the world. I think my personality leans towards the latter. I'm much more into being in control, I suppose, of the transformations, leading the charge on them and making it happen for myself - but I guess, the point in time I can really think back to is probably like 9 to 10 years ago when I was sort of established in a life, but it wasn't necessarily one I had taken that proactive action to create. It was something that sort of landed in my lap through a series of things you're supposed to do, I guess. So I was with a specific person. I had a place I was living in in London. I had a job I was going to - I had established, like in all areas that you would expect…. a place that I'd grown up in, and the person that I was with, the friends I had, the job I had, where I went and what I did, … and at the time, I remember thinking to myself, I have everything so many people dream of… I live in London, what an amazing city and I get to go over the Tower Bridge to get to the office or look at the Thames from the window. And I get to, like so many people, would dream to be in this amazing city and have this cute little place that they live in and be close to family and like all these things that I was very grateful for having that opportunity. But at the same time, I had a sensation that it wasn't necessarily my dream or I hadn't really thought about what my dream was. I just got there because I lived there already. So it was a natural thing.
The first place I ever lived was 15 minutes walk from my parents place. It was that sort of… ‘oh, where do I go now?’ ‘Oh, I'll just go there, you know?’ - I was a very, very shy child - my mum likes to joke that she worried I was mute or something growing up and had an issue talking to strangers and everything. So, in terms of the change, I feel like the transformation begins even from then - like it was like an ongoing process. So come out of my shell from a very small age to the place where I'm moving 15 minutes out of my parents house - to this place [now] where I've done a heck of a lot more than that and most of that has occurred in the last 9 to 10 years.
[00:05:42.17] - Ursula
You talked about a sensation. There was this sensation. Tell us a bit more about what was that sensation that started you thinking, this is you know, this doesn't all quite fit together or there was a realisation of some kind. Tell us a bit more about that.
[00:06:00.17] - Adelynne
Yeah, I think it's quite difficult because I think that it probably wasn't like a big moment. There was a big moment when I came to the US for the first time as an adult and saw how people were here, or they were living a certain life. And I think what might be a bit more, maybe unique about me is that I grew up around the world anyway up until the age of 11 But that was transformation, not directed by me, but inflicted upon me in a way that my parents were the ones moving. I didn't really have a choice. I moved and saw many different things. And so for my whole life, I have had this sense that reality, or your personal reality, is something that's as arbitrary as where you choose to live. I felt that at the age of 11, coming to London would make me sound this way, act this way and to some extent, because I'm being moulded by the social environment that I'm now growing up in, I have great pride in my British accent. That was what I went to the UK to get. I've acquired one of the best accents!
It does me well in life. - But, there was this sensation the whole time - what if they picked a different place? Who would I be? What would my life have been? Who would I have met? What would I sound like? What bands would I like? What films would I like? And because of that, I guess I've had an underlying sensation of this wasn't me choosing it, it was very much chosen by someone else. And I think that extends to everyone, not just me - but it was more obvious to me, I think, just because I'd been moved around. But most of us are born into a family, to a place - we're given a lot of things just straight off and it seems like less of a choice - but for me, it was, oh, but I could just be here, and then I would be like this, and I would look at these things and I would do these things.
So I think that's the sensation. Life can be designed, but I did not design it. So if I were to design it, would it look like this?
[00:08:29.21] - Ursula
So when you had that realisation and you had that sensation, you realise - actually - if I did design my life, what would it look like? What did you start to think about? What did you start to realise or notice?
[00:08:46.20] -Adelynne
First of all, it was, falling in love with a city. And probably at that age I wasn't so conscious - like I am now - of the underlying things driving me at the time. But, it all kind of just fell under a desire or a dream or a passion or love. And that emotion was strong enough to make me act and pull me towards it.
In 2016, I came to the US for work and I got to spend nearly six weeks here in total. Which was a bit of a trial of living somewhere [else], because for quite a long period I did go to an office every day and kinda traded my life in. I was in New York for a month, and then I went travelling in California and, having been to California when I was 13 years old, I already knew that I liked it just from that lens but I hadn't been back since then, until the age of 20 something. But I had this feeling before I went there - I said to my partner at the time, I don't think we should go there [California]. He was like no, we should - it's nowhere near New York. But really it was like, if I go there, I know I'm not going to want to leave. If I go there, I'm going to want to live there. So it was really through that, through seeing how beautiful it is here. It was just beautiful. And the sun shines - and I love the sun and the sense and energy of [being] pioneering.
And you can do anything.
You can be anyone.
The American dream mentality is very appealing to me.
I feel like underneath it all, despite my accent and growing up, I do have a camaraderie with that mentality - a proactive, positive thing. It's so much more about being an individual and it's okay to be whatever you are and whatever you're doing is met with a ‘well done, good on you’. Like ‘You do that - it doesn't matter what it is, it could be crazy and it's sort of accepted more, or encouraged and so it was that combination of everything. Um, the future as well, like technology, which is a whole thing, coming out of San Francisco and Silicon Valley and all these places, Hollywood and media and everything. I grew up watching, like, a lot of it coming from here, and it just felt somewhat spiritual or something. And there's obviously reasons why California is a good place to be for my work and clients I've had in California.
[00:11:40.18] - Adelynne
So there's reasons to be here aside from that, but really underlying it was a sense of a calling and I need to follow the calling, more than consciously thinking I need to change. It was more about I need to have that thing. I want that thing.
[00:11:55.14] - Ursula
And yet there was a bit of you that was a bit scared to go there after spending some time in New York, because you knew there was a draw and you knew you thought ‘I might not come back’. So what other signs did you ignore, brush off? What was going on that was forming some of the stuff holding you back from just being the ‘can do’. ‘Let's go do it.’?
[00:12:20.13] - Adelynne
I think that we all have a layer, like a filter, like ‘sunglasses’, over our eyes that we see the world in. The sunglasses were put on our face when we were young. Most of us don't even know we're wearing them. But then at a certain point, you realise you're wearing these sunglasses this whole time and you just need to take them off and everything looks different.
So I didn't know I was wearing them. I think that's the weird part. So I saw the city I want to live in and all these things, I want these desires, I don't know why, and I just have the sunglasses on, but I don't know it. And the sunglasses come with like a bunch of warning things, telling me not to do various stuff. Now that I look back, I probably put all of that under,
‘What were you told growing up?’ And are those still relevant?
So when you're growing up, and I'm sure I would do the same to any children of mine, or any children in my care, ‘No, you can't have that. No, we can't do that now. And, actually isn't this cool instead?’ And yeah don't be sad. We'll find something to be happy about.’
It's not cruelty in that sense. A lot of us think, I haven't had any issues growing up and we might have had a wonderful parents and great - it doesn't matter how wonderful it was, there are still things that people told us at school, our teachers, our parents, that unconsciously put these sunglasses on our face and we think, oh no, I'm being greedy. I'm not supposed to have that. Like I already had one square of chocolate - I mean, it can apply to anything. Not just food, not just things. You want toys, whatever.
[00:14:25.09] - Ursula
It’s like ‘Who am I to’. ‘Do I deserve this?’ ‘I'm already very lucky. Who I am I to deserve doing this or having that?’
[00:14:34.06] - Adelynne
I have this whole thought about, why do we want what we can't have, sort of thing. If you Google something like that, you get a lot of articles which are to do with the human mind. The grass isn't greener. It's just the way our brain works. But I disagree, basically, with that common narrative. I just believe that when you want something you quote “can't have” it's not really about “can't have”, it's about the transformation that it's calling you to. It's saying you don't want ‘that thing’, you want the person who has it. You want to be the person who has that thing. So now that I look back, it wasn't about San Francisco so much as it was about, the person that is capable of, getting a visa, living there, working there, making a life, doing, designing her own life and doing that stuff.
There are plenty of people who get to go to San Francisco with no struggle. They get offered a job, and then it's like, you're going to have to go to San Francisco or something. And to them it's, oh, what's this place, San Francisco? And they look it up and then they're there. It's strange because it's like, oh, you're living my dream. But it was nothing to you - and that can feel really frustrating. But what I think is actually, is because they didn't want it. It's not the same transformation for me. Wanting to go to San Francisco made all the difference in me getting there, because I had to get it for myself, or I had to transform to get it, it wasn't handed to me. So I think that's the wonderful thing about wanting things you can't have is that it makes you want to transform because things you are handed, don't do the same. So it's great to be grateful for everything, and I think that's important. I'm not saying don't be grateful for what you have and all the things the lessons learned from ‘the grass isn't greener’ - sometimes that is a correct phrase in many senses, because you're not going to go into fairyland and have a perfect life. But, it's still diminishes, like that whole sensation of, ‘I want something.’ No? why? I shouldn't want it. No, I should be grateful, you know?
[00:17:00.14] - Ursula
So, you've talked a little bit about some of the fears and doubts that came up through that. But in the end, what was the moment, or series of moments that made you decide, right. That's it. I'm going to grab that thing that I'm not meant to have, or I can't have, or is just out of reach. What happened?
[00:17:24.13] - Adelynne
Well, it's interesting because, in my life anyway, I've noticed that, funnily enough, when you stop wanting something, it comes more easily to you. So what actually had to occur, or what I went through in my mind and in my life, was a lot of other changes. I'd seen San Francisco. I tried. I had no issue, actually, with that. I went straight to the CEO at the time as soon as I got back and I cornered him when we were out at social event, it was just like, ‘so, you know, San Francisco is really cool, and you're opening this office, so I think I should go there. Like, we can make that happen, right?’ So in that sense, that kind of action was nothing for me to take and it became approved and a whole plan and had a date set and arole for me.
[00:18:22.16] - Speaker 2
This earphone keeps falling out my ear, which is very annoying. I might take that one out.
So that whole thing was set in motion and it fell through basically, after about a year and a little bit. I had been convinced that I was moving, it was all planned out, I had done a lot of research on San Francisco and become more knowledgeable than the locals in all the different parts of history to do with it and then basically they decided to go a different strategic direction and I wasn't going to be going anymore.
[00:19:05.20] - Ursula
How did that feel?
[00:19:08.07] - Adelynne
It was like my dreams were crushed. Yeah, it was really hard at the time. And it seems, I don't know, silly, in a way, but when you've been living in a fantasy in your mind about something you're going to be doing then it's become real to you and then it's like, no, that's not going to become a real thing. And it's like, oh my God.
[00:19:30.14] - Ursula
It's like a grieving process there, isn't there a grieving for what might have been. And what did you learn about yourself? Because in those moments as well, you would have learned something about your desire to go to San Francisco. What became true for you? What did you learn about the fact you wanted to go there?
[00:19:49.03] - Adelynne
Yeah, when I then reflected on it because, you know, sometimes things are taken away from you - you have no choices, and I had no choices then. So I tried to apply to other jobs and get a job directly with a company here but I was getting roadblocked because it is harder that way. You're not an internal transfer and the visa process is a lot more difficult. So although I got some way down the line to them, it always became a blocker to moving. So then I was like, okay, what is it about San Francisco? I guess I was aware enough to know that it's not necessarily the place, it's something about it, or something about the lifestyle, the feeling. So what is the lifestyle, the feeling that I wanted? And how can I then recreate that somewhere else? Or here? And it was about living in the city. When I was in New York, I was right in the middle, and I'd never, ever done that before in my life. I've always lived in the suburbs. I lived at home with my parents for a long time, and then I lived in the suburbs not far from them. I felt like I'd missed out on living in the city and cycling to work or something and being close to all of that - people my age, people doing cool stuff. So it was like a call to discover who I really was outside of coming out of my parents house and being this person that was like that. The actions I then took were, kind of, everything happened all at once, which was very strange. I think this happens to a lot of people. It's like, oh, my life has now all gone completely crazy, and every dimension has become up in the air. So the relationship I was in ended, the job I was in I decided to quit and go freelance and then at the same time, I had decided to move closer into London, so to Hackney, which was much more in the city and part of that thing.
So if I'm not moving to the city, in a different country, I'll move to the city on my own. And I loved it. I loved living in Hackney and it was wonderful. I lived there for five years and it gave me almost everything that I was looking for from San Francisco. I lived in an apartment that had a sunset view, which is rare in London but I somehow got that, and I held on to that tightly. I could cycle everywhere. It had that energy that I liked and Hackney is like more of the not progressive, but it's like the new side, right? It's like got more of the new restaurants. It's got that alternative energy rather than the older, more traditional sides of London.
So it was kind of the little tiny California of London I found myself in.
[00:22:47.03] - Ursula
Brilliant.
[00:22:47.18] - Adelynne
So California then went away from my mind. I was just, oh yeah, it wasn't ever about California. It was just about finding this space for me to become in a different way. And so it left my mind until not very long ago when, it became obvious that I was going to need to move from that apartment, which I love so much. They were putting rents up 30% one year. I don't know if it's worth it anymore, especially when you've had this experience for a certain price.
I was talking to my brother and I was saying to him, like, I don't know where I should go. Maybe I should go to, the other side of London for a different experience with Greenwich or Notting Hill or something, just to change it up. He was like, you've been talking about California for eight years. I think you should go there. I was like, okay.
[00:23:46.14] - Ursula
So he was like your little kind of guardian angel there. Threshold guardian of that dream you had.
[00:23:53.06] - Adelynne
He's ten years younger than me. So he was only just starting his career journey at the time, and he landed in a job which turned out to be a UK/ US tax consultant. This is oddly useful. And then his business had a contact, an immigration person and that was the immigration person that helped me get the visa. And then off I went. So, it's funny how things happen in the end.
I feel like it was all part of it. Because over-fixating sometimes on something you want, as wonderful as that initial spark is and it sends you off on a journey, actually acquiring it is a completely different process. I found the initial part of going after something or making initial changes to your life is driven by the movement towards something. But the acquiring of the thing is like a separate part, in my life anyway, I don't know about other people, but in order to get California, I almost had to let it go.
[00:25:04.02] - Ursula
Yeah, that's so interesting.
[00:25:06.06] - Adelynne
And also to let it go as a dream, as a fantasy, because part of me didn't want to come because I knew that it was driving me. I was like, there's always California. No matter what I do and what I fail at doing and what goes wrong at least there's still this place where all my dreams can come true. It doesn't really exist, but if it all fails, I'll go there. So it's hard to then go there because you're like, what happens when I've got there, where's my California? Where's my little place?
[00:25:39.19] - Ursula
I'm going to come back to that because I think that's really interesting. But what you were describing there about, you know, sometimes you almost have to let it go. I think about it as being sometimes you push really hard against a door and it’s just really stubborn and it won't open. And sometimes when you go away and just go and do some other things and you come back to that door and it just falls open. It's like you're going and setting all the foundations and doing all of the work in the background in a different way, and then suddenly it means the door's unlocked in a way for you that it wasn't before, because you've been doing the work in the background by doing the letting go, by doing the research, by making the other shifts that you did in order to be ready for it. And I always think that's super interesting.
So then you were in this place where you're like, ‘I've always got California’. So what does it feel like then, now that you've got there and you're there living that life, and you've chosen to do that.
You haven't got California anymore. It's in your present right now. So what's that? What's going on there with that feeling?
[00:26:45.11] - Adelynne
Yeah. That's like it's so weird and I've done actually two moves. So I first moved to Southern California for a year and then I've moved now up to the Bay area, which was the original place I wanted to go. I guess maybe in my mind part of it was moving to Southern California was still keeping the dream alive, because there's still a Bay area that's really where I'm trying to go.
[00:27:16.14] - Ursula
There's still a next step. There's still another step.
[00:27:19.03] - Adelynne
Exactly. I've been here about a month, so I would say I'm still in the honeymoon dream phase of this. All amazing. I'm living the dream. I can't believe I'm here - that's going on for quite a long time. Because when it's been nine years since you've wanted to go somewhere and you watched all the documentaries about it, and you learn the maps, and you travelled there so many times saying like, I'll be back, but next time I'll be living here. And that never really happening. It's just strange. What's more strange is that I arrived here pretty much in the exact same time that the first time I ever came here - at the same time of year - it was that specific weekend in October that I was here nine years ago. They have this thing here called Fleet Week where there's an air show and they do it every year at the same time.
I went walking along the more touristy areas of San Francisco and the air show was going on, and [it] brought back the moment nine years ago when I was walking this exact same place, the same route past Fisherman's Wharf on the north up to Marina and the Golden Gate Bridge. And, the airshow was going on and all of these things, I'd seen it all and I'd seen it all at the exact same time. But that was the beginning, that was the me of nine years ago who was walking that road seeing that stuff. And I'm now a completely different person in many ways to that version of myself. So I'm enjoying that. I'm just enjoying that. I think in the last nine years, part of it has become learning to just appreciate and enjoy as much as possible and let it happen. So, I don't know what happens after this, but I'm pretty sure there'll be another want and dream and whatever, but TBD, I guess I'm in the process.
[00:29:23.01] - Ursula
But for now you're living it. So what are you most proud of, um, in yourself about having done this transition? This transformation?
[00:29:36.21] - Adelynne
I'm most proud of the fact that I wanted… what I'm motivated by most of all is being accountable for what you've been given and responding to life the best way you can and believing in your own ability to create the life you want or the changes you want to see. So more than actually getting to California as a satisfaction of having gone after something and then making it happen, it's more like exercising the muscle of creating that change because it makes you feel like, ‘oh, when I say something… things happen!’ Or when I do this, something happens or people are listening to me or this is happening and, I see my life as like my art. I don't paint or make music or do anything, but it's the same feeling, the same level of satisfaction I get through designing the tapestry of my life, and I find it so incredibly satisfying.
When I was, nine years ago, living in a different place, doing it… to me, what it's like genuinely, is painting a different picture, because life is just what your inputs are to you. You don't really know what's real, what other people see. You can't really. There's no way for you to really know that. You only know what is coming in through your eyes, what you're listening to, where you're going, the places you see. So when you wake up in the morning, what are you looking at when you leave your house? What are you seeing when you turn the TV on? What are you watching when you open your phone? What's on there? Who are you talking to? And how do they make you feel at work? Are you doing things that bring you joy or do you hate it?
Every single one of those things is what reality is. And so you can just pick any one of those and change it, and you can change your life like just one of those things like change your job, change your life, change the person you're with or the people you surround yourself with. Change your life. Change your view, change your life.
[00:31:58.17] - Adelynne
So in that sense, like the people that I'm surrounded with now, weren't in my life nine years ago - the view was different, the work was different. I mean, it's still the same kind of career I'm in, but the nature of how I work is very different. I'm not getting on the Central Line going to work. I mean, that's a success in itself. That's what I'm proud of - is also not giving up on the possibilities for change. Even when someone says, no, you can't have that. It's like, no, I can't have it this way, but I can have it by moving to Hackney, or I can have it by even moving there myself, through my own company who sponsored my own visa. Because there's always a way to do things, no matter where you are in life, there's always a way to do something.
And I think people get stuck because it feels like there isn't. Or there's the sunglasses.
[00:33:17.09] - Ursula
I was just going to ask you, actually, if somebody's listening or watching feels stuck, what would you want them to know? I mean, that tips a really good one. Do you have anything else that you would like to share?
[00:33:30.11] - Adelynne
Yeah, take off the sunglasses.
[00:33:33.24] - Ursula
Reminds me of a book, actually, that I read my son. It's about a own where they all wear glasses, but they're rose tinted ones, and it gives them a different filter. I'll have to look up the the name (Reader: It’s a Place Called Perfect by Helena Duggan) It's a slightly different scenario, but it makes them see things in a better way than what's really going on. So you're right, we all have that filter. We all have those sunglasses in some ways that is the filter for everything we see, feel, experience and we can change those by what we focus on and what intentions we have and what we feel inside.
[00:34:11.12] - Adelynne
So I do think there are a couple of specific things about being stuck, aside from the sunglasses. I think I would put them into two things. One is just the sunglasses. How do you know you're wearing them? It's like the placebo effect. Or it's like, these corporate experiments they've done where sometimes they select at random a group of people. I think I've read it somewhere and I can't cite my references but they sent a random group of employees a commendation about how creative they are. But it was random. It wasn't actually based on what that person had done and in the subsequent days, that person made more creative suggestions, had believed, like through surveys that, they are more creative as an individual because this belief had changed. It was just the sunglasses. Someone had changed those sunglasses. Placebo effect is similar. It's like you believe you're taking a pill that's going to help with X. It actually does in some cases, but that wasn't anything to do with the pill.
The second thing that really helped me was that most things in life are undoable. Most things are undoable. So I never was, you know, if I put all this pressure on things like you, I am going to leave my job forever. I mean, I would never do it, but in every single case where I've made a major change, I've just said to myself, I'm going to quit, I'm going to do an independent thing and see what happens in three months, in six months, in one year, I can always get a job. I'm going to move to California because if I don't like it, I can always come back to London. I'm going to move from San Diego to the Bay area because I love San Diego and it's just there. I'll just come back if I don't like it, it's not the end. Even when it comes to relationships, sometimes you don't necessarily have to be, right, I'm off, I'm out. It's just look, I need space and I don't know what's going on and actually, after gathering your thoughts, you change your mind and you're, actually, we need to, work on this or not. You don't have to make the final, final call on, right, I'm now this new person that lives this way. I now pursue my art, and that's all I do. You can go pursue your art for three months. Give yourself that window and then make a decision. Then it doesn't have to be forever.
[00:36:30.06] - Ursula
Yeah, I love that because it really takes the heaviness out of it as well. It's like, I'm going to move that stepping stone, go there and see what the view's like from there. And if I don't like the view, I can always come back to the other stepping stone, or try a new stepping stone. And it feels much more light and doable, doesn't it? And yeah, when we make it that all or nothing thing, it can feel very heavy and impossible, like you're saying. Yeah. Really interesting. Thank you. Is there anything else you wanted to share in this conversation that we perhaps haven't covered that you feel was relevant? Because I've got a couple of quick things at the end, things that inspired you, that we're calling it our quick fire one thing. So is there anything else before I ask you about that, that you wanted to share.
[00:37:23.20] - Adelynne
I think the only thing I would share is that sometimes it's hard to believe in yourself - to do, to believe you can make things happen for yourself. But I think that the satisfaction that you can gain through the pursuit of that thing and the eventual success of doing that thing in whatever small way far exceeds any other form of success. For example, to wake up tomorrow and someone gave me a phone call and just said, you know, you are now a multi-millionaire because some random person left you money or you've won the lottery, it would be like, oh great, this is really, really great. Okay, now I have all this money and I'm now this person. I just think if one day I ever wake up with $1 million or multi-million dollars that I made somehow, and not that that's necessarily my dream, that's just an example. But the satisfaction is greater because it wasn't about the money. I don't really care about the multi-millions. I care more about the fact that I created it. guess that's probably the summarisation of it. You begin to love the act of creation and the act of change and the act of transformation in and of itself, rather than seeking a specific fantasy that is driving you, I guess.
[00:39:03.18] - Ursula
Yeah, I love that. The idea, that it's about the ‘how’ you get to it, not just the getting to it that matters. That if you can make the ‘how’ the actual thing, that is the transformation, that is the goal and that is the success is the how you get there and the thing at the end is just a moment in time. That's fantastic. Thank you. Thank you so much for a wonderful conversation. I want to finish up by asking you a couple of fun things.
So can you think of one belief that you had to let go of in order to step forward in this pivot?
[00:39:50.24] - Adelynne
One. I think there are.
[00:39:54.12] - Ursula
I think you're allowed more if you need it.
[00:39:56.14] - Speaker 2
Okay, then almost everything. I had to let go of almost everything, almost all the beliefs. I had so many beliefs that would stop me and it was crazy. It is sometimes as arbitrary as just changing a belief, but getting that confirmation, like through a letter or something that you are actually creative, for example. Send a letter to yourself. Whatever it is, you believe the opposite thing. One of the things I believed was that I am not very good at writing. This was like 10,15 years ago. I wish I was a good writer, you know? And then I was like, actually, I am - I don't know why I ever thought I wasn't - I don't know what's going on
Send a letter to yourself, whatever you believe, write the opposite. Or that you have the capacity to become….
[00:40:51.07] - Ursula
I think what you're highlighting there, which I always find interesting, is that beliefs are just beliefs. They're not facts, they're just beliefs. And we can choose to have unhelpful beliefs that hold us back, or we can choose to embrace new beliefs which can help move us forward. And that's the thing about beliefs is that they are helpful and unhelpful, but they're not fact, most of the time.
[00:41:15.24] - Adelynne
One of the things I find helpful for that - is feelings. Feelings are the guiding system, and we usually ignore them - especially the bad ones. But if you have a way of saying like, ‘ Oh good, I feel X, what is that telling me?’ No matter what it is.
‘Oh good. I feel super depressed today. What is that telling me?’
Or ‘Oh good. I'm so pissed off and angry today. What is that telling me?’
‘I hate this person. What is that telling me?’
Because it's not really what it is. I'm angry but I think it's about this. But what is it actually telling me? Why did I get angry? Oh, it's actually….. Oh, what can I do about it now?
I think that's the whole de-conditioning thing of being a kid. When you're a kid, you don't have choices. You're kind of powerless. You poor kid, you have to do what your parents tell you. The parents, as good as they are, sometimes don't have the capacity to be like, ‘Okay, what is the problem? Let's do this process.’ ‘How do we fix this?’ But you have to become your own parent and you're the one. The little child is going, oh, so angry. And then if you're, dismissive and just, ‘shh’ - it's not going to really work. But if you're like ‘Oh, good, we're angry, What does that mean? What can we do about this?’ It's just a lot more.
[00:42:47.24] - Ursula
What can I discover about this? What can I learn about this? What is there? What information is there that's going to help me? Yeah. Very, very wise. So, one last question then, what's one thing that you wish you'd known sooner?
[00:43:38.02] - Adelynne
One thing I wish I would have known sooner is that you have… whatever it is that you want you can probably have it because you want it. The want helps you see what you're stopping yourself from doing or having or being. So it's the opposite of the want. So, for example, can I achieve these things, can I become a singer? Can I, can I change my career? Can I pursue my art? Can I? Because you feel inside like I couldn't possibly… I couldn't possibly make that happen.
But that whole way of thinking isn’t quite right - its actually HOW can I? So I’m not a good singer (and I don’t want to be so it’s not part of my journey) But if I wanted to be - even as someone that's not very good at singing - okay, maybe I'm not going to be Taylor Swift ever - but that doesn't mean I can't sing. I can go get singing lessons. And just like in that safe comfort of being taught something by no one has to listen to me - try it out. I can sing at home - I'm a singer, If I get better, I can form a band. I can go sing with the band at local coffee shops or on the street, or I'm a singer then. So I think we are rigid sometimes in what we think - it has to be this way or nothing is not necessarily true.
What is it you like? You want to play more sport in your life? You want to be a professional sports person, okay? You can't because you have to be like 18 and like the way the industry is, right? But there are other ways to be a sports person. That isn't necessarily to do with how you get all of the same gratification, but it's just different. So it's not about ‘Can I?’ or it's never about ‘Can I?’, it's HOW. Sometimes I might think I'm with the wrong person because of all these things. - You might not be with the wrong person. It just might be that you feel all these things, you want to feel all these [other] things. And there might be a process that needs to happen between getting yourself and that relationship to that point and then you’ve ‘How can I?’ - you've got it and you didn't require having to find another person or it might require finding another person. It actually frees you in so many ways because you realise the “Can I?’ and ‘I want something I can't have’ is all just about believing there's things you can't yet go for. Whereas just saying, ‘HOW can I?’ - It doesn't matter what it is, it almost frees you from the need to even want it in the first place, because it's like I could go and have anything it just requires a lot of steps. Do I want to take those steps? Because actually the having it is not the point. It's the getting there. To become someone like Taylor Swift, that's not just one day you wake up and you're Taylor Swift, she's been doing it since she was five - and she's a very extreme example - but it's the same for a lot of people. It requires you to love it, the process of becoming the thing.
[00:47:12.13] - Ursula
So it's not about Can I? It's about HOW can I? That's great. Thank you. Adelynne. That's fantastic. Thank you so much for a fascinating conversation. I've so enjoyed hearing your inner thought process. I know that other people will find that incredibly inspiring and useful as well.
So thanks for tuning in to the Big Life Pivot. If this conversation sparks something in you, don't forget to subscribe, like, and share. It really helps the podcast reach others who might need it. You can also download my free reflection guide. Goodbye, stuck, hello possibilities, and it's full of prompts and tools to help you step out of autopilot and into your most powerful chapter yet.
So until next time, thanks very much for joining us.
